Jokes

[Emberto Groucho]

Why not? :D

wild thing
A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican shop owner said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!"

[Lew Bear]

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain,
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place".

[Lew Bear]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike
up a conversation

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says , 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replies, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything .... the sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when
I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab says, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks , 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab says, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquires .

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab says

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab says .
'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just
got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and say, 'So, nuts off
for you too, huh?'

The black Lab says ....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped

[Djay Buddha]

The big bad Wolf goes upto the the three little pigs straw house and roars "I'll huff and i'll puff and blow your house down" at which point one of the pigs opens the window and shouts " FUCK off or I will sneeze on you"

[Maria Hall]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to all the jokes so far.. and MORE, WE WANT MORE!!! :))

[Emberto Groucho]

Mens Pearls of Wisdom



1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.

I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men

- 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties:
Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,

and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you
don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.

He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......


14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed',

many men still sleep with their wives!!

[Emberto Groucho]

Thoughtful Husband, not many left!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.…
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on April 21 of a perforated rectum..
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder..
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence, that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Emberto Groucho]

Not a joke, but apparently a true story:

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Emberto Groucho]

"THE HORTH WHITHPERER"


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.


'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again
and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's
head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Duncan Wells]

A lady was golfing when she got stung by a bee. Upon returning to the club house she told the golf pro about it. Where did the bee sting you? asked the golf pro. Between the first and second hole replied the lady. Well, the problem is, you're standing with your legs too far apart.

[Emberto Groucho]

Free Sex with a fill up

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon a local
redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The
owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly he would get his free sex..

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled
in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed
2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but
no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think
that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex..' Bubba
replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won 3 times last week

[THERESA MAITLAND]

Now that is funny !!! lol

[Emberto Groucho]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?

The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada .

The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada ?'

The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is
a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?''

No, a taxidermist doesn't
drive a taxi. I mount animals.

The bartender grins and
yells,' He's okay boys. He's one of us.'