Jokes

[Emberto Groucho]

Why not? :D

wild thing
A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican shop owner said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!"

[Emberto Groucho]

Tommy Shaughnessy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!" says Tommy.

[Emberto Groucho]

The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.

The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.

Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret.

"Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

[Emberto Groucho]

Trial ...
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Emberto Groucho]

Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's
libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the
doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He
won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into
his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible,
doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked
the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it
in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,
'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here,
I'll never be able to show me face in McDonalds again!

[Emberto Groucho]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

[Emberto Groucho]

AUSSIE JOKE
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese
customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese
man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
piss, and listen to bull-shit'

[Emberto Groucho]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Emberto Groucho]

Priceless
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless ly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son,

'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!''

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38

Saying the right thing at the right time......

PRICELESS

[Emberto Groucho]

3 mice are sitting on the couch gettin pissed, the 1st mouse says to the other 2, 'I'm so tough I sprinkle rat sack on me cornflakes for breakfast',

The 2nd mouse says 'That's nuthin when the mouse trap goes off, I just lift it up over me head, put the cheese under me arm, reset the trap, go home and have a feed'

The 3rd mouse gets up without a word and heads for the door, the other 2 look at each other and ask him where he's going?
He turns round and says ' I'm off ta fuck the cat"

[Emberto Groucho]

3 aussies are travelling round New Zealand, when one in the backseat noticed that there was a kiwi having sex with a sheep,
He rolled down his window and yelled out 'Hey mate! in Australia we shear ours!'
the Kiwi turned and yelled back ' I aint sharin with anyone!'

[Lew Bear]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are those most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said, "Tonto Papadopoulos; but all my friends call me Paddy."

[Emberto Groucho]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"